Have you ever pictured what your life would be like if plans unfolded exactly how you imagined them to?
It’s a weird question, I know. I often picture myself in one of those movies or television shows where someone from “the future” pops in and takes a character through an out-of-body glimpse of how their life turns out if they did x, or said yes to y. These montages usually have to do with important life decisions like chasing a career opportunity, getting married, having kids, or whatever else that would fill in a question mark.
You know what I’m talking about, right? If not, this just got really awkward. Moving on …
I should probably throw out a disclaimer that I’ve started this post about a dozen times. As I’m winding down from a busy weekend, I got the urge to finally sit down answer my question. Maybe our one-year move-iversary sparked this. Maybe it’s my birthday that’s creeping up this week, or maybe working in an industry and city where a 9-5 doesn’t exist finally got me. Wherever this spark is coming from, it’s been a long time coming. Buckle up, my friends!
It’s been quite some time since I’ve spilled on the blog. To be completely transparent, it’s been intentional. I haven’t felt like “myself” in years, and it’s been tricky to keep everything running like nothing has changed. I really love this space and platform that I’ve created (and I really love all of you who read it!), but I’m still trying to figure out a clear and consistent direction.
To put it out there, I can barely find the time to document weekly highlights, let alone create what I love to share the most when it comes to health and fitness content. And when I do have the time, I don’t have the resources to post things how I picture them to be. (What happened to good ‘ol lifestlye blogging, right?)
I knew that my blog work would take a back seat when I took on a full-time job. I’ve recognized that, and I’m pretty freaking proud of how the last eight months have unfolded there. I’m embracing that City life hustle as much as I can, but I have to admit that it’s a lot. And it’s exhausting. And I miss all of you.
I’d love to share more recipes and original workouts. Truth be told, I’d kill to have that kind of time on my hands again. But, right now, I just don’t. I’ve accepted it, but then again I haven’t. And on those days where I haven’t, I can’t help but to circle back to that daunting question over and over.
What is life right now?
Why haven’t our plans unfolded?
Before I dive further into it, let me acknowledge the fact that I’m not writing this to complain. Scott and I have more than we need to live and thrive right here in New York City. We have a beautiful apartment, a million things to do, frequent visitors, great food on our coffee table every night (read: a dining room and table is still in the works), and endless, unconditional love from three fur babies day after day.
That said, I can’t help but take a step back when I’m ordering dinner in for one and asking myself, “What is life?”
It’s been strange trying to publicly navigate my way through all of the changes we’ve experienced over the past few years. I used to look forward to cooking new things and trying new workouts, all with the intentions of sharing the home runs with you right here on the blog. These days, it’s a huge win if I do anything active outside of Orangetheory twice a week. And don’t get me started on creating original recipes. (Now excuse me while I think of what to piece together for dinner. Leftovers, anyone?)
Nine times out of ten, Scott and I eat on our own due to our conflicting work schedules, which is anything but what I pictured for us in life right now. I’m someone who craves normalcy, which proves to be a challenge when you pair two entertainers/entrepreneurs with dreams to conquer the world. Our days of coming home from work at the same time, enjoying a few hours winding down from the day together, and even grilling out seem really far out of reach. I order my groceries online, and while I used to meal prep on Sundays, I consider myself on top of it if I make a batch of overnight oats or set the coffee pot up for the morning. Things have really changed for me!
I’ve become quite the observer since we moved here. You can do a lot of people watching by commuting to work or taking a stroll around the block. Scott and I saw a young family of four on a recent train ride into Manhattan over the weekend. The mom kept apologizing for her double stroller taking up space in the car, and the dad was doing everything he could to keep the toddler happy and entertained. Whenever we see families, we always end up unintentionally staring and talking about what our family will be like one day.
What will our children look like? Will I be lugging strollers up and down the stairs of the subways here in NYC? Will we still live in a four-story walk up? Will I become one of the neighborhood moms that I interact with at the studio every single day?
I know I visualize our future as parents more than Scott because he always sees the bright side in everything. He’s a daydreamer and doesn’t dwell on things that have or haven’t happened in the past. I truly envy that trait about him, especially when I catch myself looking at pregnant women or new moms with a green eye, wondering if they even know how blessed they are.
Does the woman who would probably describe herself as a “hot mess” walking through Whole Foods wearing her baby and filling her shopping cart with ingredients for dinner even know how amazing that errand is?
As silly as it sounds, I never pictured myself to be doing what I do every day at the age of thirty-two. I’m well aware that age is just a number, and it’s actually been incredibly refreshing to meet women in the City who are focused on careers and don’t even think about getting married and having children until their thirties. For that, our time here has been eye opening in the best way. But, I would be lying if I said that a part of me … again … doesn’t wonder what the heck is life right now.
I’m sure I seem ungrateful to some of you reading this, which is the main reason I haven’t published it until now! But, there comes a time where you just get over it and put it out there, because that’s what seems the most genuine. It is what it is, and for any of you who read this and think that, you are who you are.
I had a conversation specifically about the blog with Scott the other day. While he gets why I don’t post as often as I used to, he doesn’t understand why I don’t post more of what I used to. The only answer I have is what you’ve been reading today. As wonderful as this life that we are experiencing is, it’s not quite what I planned. And that can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
Through our infertility struggles, it’s impossible for me not to fixate on what life is “supposed” to be like. We were “supposed” to be parents shortly after we decided to start trying, right? I’m “supposed” to be years into motherhood with the annoyances of tracking cycles and anxiously awaiting pregnancy tests and doctors appointments way behind me. It’s not “supposed” to be this hard. Any time I see a baby born around the time of our “supposed” to be due dates, I can’t help but to feel sad. And angry. And annoyed. And confused.
These are the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis, and it makes me sad to look back at how many friendships I have distanced myself away from because their “supposed to life” seamlessly unfolded. Instead of hearing about it, it’s easier for me to pretend like it’s not happening at all, and I’m finally starting to realize how selfish that is. I miss my friends. And I hate that I’m missing out on such big milestones in their lives, just because I can’t relate to it right now. It’s crazy how all-consuming dealing with a struggle can be, and what’s even crazier is that some people will never know any of these feelings whatsoever.
Infertility sucks. It sucks so much that it’s a popular hashtag on social media. I decided to bring it up today because the reality of people talking about it paired with the support from the community going through the same journey is what really gets you through it.
Whenever I’m feeling extra down, I look for a new podcast to stream about infertility or miscarriage. Type those words into a search and you’ll see pages of them. I’m so thankful for these podcasts because I always end an episode feeling hopeful and less alone. I feel like they taped the series for me to listen to, and if you’re going through anything I am, I highly recommend that you check them out.
So, if you’re wondering where I’ve really been over the past year or so, here’s your answer. I’m doing my best to figure out what life is, one day at a time. Sometimes that means working fifteen hours away from home, and other times it means gluing myself to the sofa and binging on a new Netflix series because I need the disconnect.
The point is — and yes, these entirely-too-long posts always have a point — is that you just have to do the best that you can. You can’t always figure life out, and maybe it’s because we’re not supposed to. What is life is something we can all ask ourselves, but what life is means so much more. Don’t let expectations run yours!
Learn to live in the moment and enjoy every process for what it is. That is something that Scott often reminds me to do, and I am my happiest when I listen to him.
Reassessing what makes me the happiest in this space, you can expect to see more content floating around. That is what started this blog, and I’m pretty sure that is why you all keep following it. Either that, or you thought the girl and her husband who picked up their lives to move across the country to New York City without jobs is really entertaining. Either way, I’m so glad that you found Life In Leggings and hope you’ll stick around through the rambles.
While I may not respond to emails, comments, or messages I receive right away, please know that I see them and appreciate them so, so much. Now let’s kick this week off with a good ugly cry, a virtual hug, and a high five to call it all even, okay?
(And check out the Coffee Talk category if you’d like to chat some more.)
See ya soon!