Have you ever pictured what your life would be like if plans unfolded exactly how you imagined them to?
It’s a weird question, I know. I often picture myself in one of those movies or television shows where someone from “the future” pops in and takes a character through an out-of-body glimpse of how their life turns out if they did x, or said yes to y. These montages usually have to do with important life decisions like chasing a career opportunity, getting married, having kids, or whatever else that would fill in a question mark.
You know what I’m talking about, right? If not, this just got really awkward. Moving on …
I should probably throw out a disclaimer that I’ve started this post about a dozen times. As I’m winding down from a busy weekend, I got the urge to finally sit down answer my question. Maybe our one-year move-iversary sparked this. Maybe it’s my birthday that’s creeping up this week, or maybe working in an industry and city where a 9-5 doesn’t exist finally got me. Wherever this spark is coming from, it’s been a long time coming. Buckle up, my friends!
It’s been quite some time since I’ve spilled on the blog. To be completely transparent, it’s been intentional. I haven’t felt like “myself” in years, and it’s been tricky to keep everything running like nothing has changed. I really love this space and platform that I’ve created (and I really love all of you who read it!), but I’m still trying to figure out a clear and consistent direction.
To put it out there, I can barely find the time to document weekly highlights, let alone create what I love to share the most when it comes to health and fitness content. And when I do have the time, I don’t have the resources to post things how I picture them to be. (What happened to good ‘ol lifestlye blogging, right?)
I knew that my blog work would take a back seat when I took on a full-time job. I’ve recognized that, and I’m pretty freaking proud of how the last eight months have unfolded there. I’m embracing that City life hustle as much as I can, but I have to admit that it’s a lot. And it’s exhausting. And I miss all of you.
I’d love to share more recipes and original workouts. Truth be told, I’d kill to have that kind of time on my hands again. But, right now, I just don’t. I’ve accepted it, but then again I haven’t. And on those days where I haven’t, I can’t help but to circle back to that daunting question over and over.
What is life right now?
Why haven’t our plans unfolded?
Before I dive further into it, let me acknowledge the fact that I’m not writing this to complain. Scott and I have more than we need to live and thrive right here in New York City. We have a beautiful apartment, a million things to do, frequent visitors, great food on our coffee table every night (read: a dining room and table is still in the works), and endless, unconditional love from three fur babies day after day.
That said, I can’t help but take a step back when I’m ordering dinner in for one and asking myself, “What is life?”
It’s been strange trying to publicly navigate my way through all of the changes we’ve experienced over the past few years. I used to look forward to cooking new things and trying new workouts, all with the intentions of sharing the home runs with you right here on the blog. These days, it’s a huge win if I do anything active outside of Orangetheory twice a week. And don’t get me started on creating original recipes. (Now excuse me while I think of what to piece together for dinner. Leftovers, anyone?)
Nine times out of ten, Scott and I eat on our own due to our conflicting work schedules, which is anything but what I pictured for us in life right now. I’m someone who craves normalcy, which proves to be a challenge when you pair two entertainers/entrepreneurs with dreams to conquer the world. Our days of coming home from work at the same time, enjoying a few hours winding down from the day together, and even grilling out seem really far out of reach. I order my groceries online, and while I used to meal prep on Sundays, I consider myself on top of it if I make a batch of overnight oats or set the coffee pot up for the morning. Things have really changed for me!
I’ve become quite the observer since we moved here. You can do a lot of people watching by commuting to work or taking a stroll around the block. Scott and I saw a young family of four on a recent train ride into Manhattan over the weekend. The mom kept apologizing for her double stroller taking up space in the car, and the dad was doing everything he could to keep the toddler happy and entertained. Whenever we see families, we always end up unintentionally staring and talking about what our family will be like one day.
What will our children look like? Will I be lugging strollers up and down the stairs of the subways here in NYC? Will we still live in a four-story walk up? Will I become one of the neighborhood moms that I interact with at the studio every single day?
I know I visualize our future as parents more than Scott because he always sees the bright side in everything. He’s a daydreamer and doesn’t dwell on things that have or haven’t happened in the past. I truly envy that trait about him, especially when I catch myself looking at pregnant women or new moms with a green eye, wondering if they even know how blessed they are.
Does the woman who would probably describe herself as a “hot mess” walking through Whole Foods wearing her baby and filling her shopping cart with ingredients for dinner even know how amazing that errand is?
As silly as it sounds, I never pictured myself to be doing what I do every day at the age of thirty-two. I’m well aware that age is just a number, and it’s actually been incredibly refreshing to meet women in the City who are focused on careers and don’t even think about getting married and having children until their thirties. For that, our time here has been eye opening in the best way. But, I would be lying if I said that a part of me … again … doesn’t wonder what the heck is life right now.
I’m sure I seem ungrateful to some of you reading this, which is the main reason I haven’t published it until now! But, there comes a time where you just get over it and put it out there, because that’s what seems the most genuine. It is what it is, and for any of you who read this and think that, you are who you are.
I had a conversation specifically about the blog with Scott the other day. While he gets why I don’t post as often as I used to, he doesn’t understand why I don’t post more of what I used to. The only answer I have is what you’ve been reading today. As wonderful as this life that we are experiencing is, it’s not quite what I planned. And that can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
Through our infertility struggles, it’s impossible for me not to fixate on what life is “supposed” to be like. We were “supposed” to be parents shortly after we decided to start trying, right? I’m “supposed” to be years into motherhood with the annoyances of tracking cycles and anxiously awaiting pregnancy tests and doctors appointments way behind me. It’s not “supposed” to be this hard. Any time I see a baby born around the time of our “supposed” to be due dates, I can’t help but to feel sad. And angry. And annoyed. And confused.
These are the thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis, and it makes me sad to look back at how many friendships I have distanced myself away from because their “supposed to life” seamlessly unfolded. Instead of hearing about it, it’s easier for me to pretend like it’s not happening at all, and I’m finally starting to realize how selfish that is. I miss my friends. And I hate that I’m missing out on such big milestones in their lives, just because I can’t relate to it right now. It’s crazy how all-consuming dealing with a struggle can be, and what’s even crazier is that some people will never know any of these feelings whatsoever.
Infertility sucks. It sucks so much that it’s a popular hashtag on social media. I decided to bring it up today because the reality of people talking about it paired with the support from the community going through the same journey is what really gets you through it.
Whenever I’m feeling extra down, I look for a new podcast to stream about infertility or miscarriage. Type those words into a search and you’ll see pages of them. I’m so thankful for these podcasts because I always end an episode feeling hopeful and less alone. I feel like they taped the series for me to listen to, and if you’re going through anything I am, I highly recommend that you check them out.
So, if you’re wondering where I’ve really been over the past year or so, here’s your answer. I’m doing my best to figure out what life is, one day at a time. Sometimes that means working fifteen hours away from home, and other times it means gluing myself to the sofa and binging on a new Netflix series because I need the disconnect.
The point is — and yes, these entirely-too-long posts always have a point — is that you just have to do the best that you can. You can’t always figure life out, and maybe it’s because we’re not supposed to. What is life is something we can all ask ourselves, but what life is means so much more. Don’t let expectations run yours!
Learn to live in the moment and enjoy every process for what it is. That is something that Scott often reminds me to do, and I am my happiest when I listen to him.
Reassessing what makes me the happiest in this space, you can expect to see more content floating around. That is what started this blog, and I’m pretty sure that is why you all keep following it. Either that, or you thought the girl and her husband who picked up their lives to move across the country to New York City without jobs is really entertaining. Either way, I’m so glad that you found Life In Leggings and hope you’ll stick around through the rambles.
While I may not respond to emails, comments, or messages I receive right away, please know that I see them and appreciate them so, so much. Now let’s kick this week off with a good ugly cry, a virtual hug, and a high five to call it all even, okay?
(And check out the Coffee Talk category if you’d like to chat some more.)
See ya soon!

Girl, I get you. I thought by 30 I would have 2 kids, an attentive husband and a white picket fence in a picture perfect house. It didn’t turn out that way. I had lots of stumbles and too many falls to count. I didn’t meet my love until I was 35 and didn’t get married until 38. And although we tried and tried through miscarriage and failed IVFs, I didn’t become a mom until I was FORTY TWO! Life didn’t end up like I expected…but it’s exactly how it’s meant to be.
I think about the baby we lost often and would do ANYTHING to have that little one in my arms. But then I look at my children and realize that they wouldn’t be here if I would have had that baby. So I thank my first child for sending my littles to me. Because I truly believe everything happens for a reason no matter how hard it is to see.
You are not alone.
Oh that white picket fence. I totally get you, too. Oh my goodness – so many congrats to you on your miracles, that’s so amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s inspiring <3
This is a wonderful post. I relate to this, yet in a different way. I’ll be 25 in July and thought I would be married at that age when in reality I haven’t dated for the past 5 years. I pictured myself starting a family shortly after that. I know I’m young, I know it will happen eventually but I get what you’re saying by having the future planned out and then not having it turn out that way. I’ve noticed I’ve been reflecting lately on all that I have done leading up to this point and wondering why things haven’t turned out as planned, yet your words make it so much more clear. I am so sorry for what you and Scott have been going through with infertility. I cannot even begin to imagine what that is like and I pray for both of you.
Thanks Taylor! I actually had a mental breakdown when I turned 25, lol. It was the weirdest thing. Scott and I still joke about it. I think it has a lot to do with the timelines I give myself and how life isn’t what I expected it to be. But you just have to keep rolling with the adventure and enjoy every day for what it is! Thank you so much for the prayers. <3
Thank you for this. I really needed it today. I was having a rough morning, feeling sad and a bit bitter about my own infertility struggles. I’m trying to work through it, but it is hard. This is a great reminder and a pick me up, that I’m not alone….and that I have to just keep on going.
Aw, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through your own struggles. I think you know by now, however, that you’re not alone! I’m telling you – those podcasts are life changing. Praying for you!
Love you <3 Thanks for posting this. It really really really sucks and it's hard to talk about it out loud. But you are not alone. It just sucks.
Long live the hashtag. Thank you for reading and for the support as well. Many hugs to you!
I hear you Heather! Although I am not going through exactly what you are right now and I think you are amazing for sharing this today, I often think of the plans that I had for myself at this age. However, I try my hardest to focus on the amazing things that have happened that I didn’t plan for. I too wish to become a mother and I am not even in a position to try, but for some reason that eats away at me some days. It’s crazy to think what is this life we are in?! It’s not a question you are alone in asking!
Amanda @ Cupcake N Dreams recently posted…Weekending: Soaking in Spring
i don’t believe in having plans like that for my life. not everyone wants kids, sometimes it takes away from your own life dreams. I don’t know if I do. I have a lot of things I want to do and know that would get in the way. Living in NYC with a kid would absolutely suck also.
-Kirsten // http://www.porkandcookies.com
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This post is amazing, and I relate to it, just in an entirely different way. For me, it’s being 31 and single – I figured I’d be married with kids by now. Instead, I’m thriving in the fitness world AND the “real job” world, traveling, and enjoying life – yet still thinking about how I wish I’d just meet The One already.
Don’t even get me started on things like what I’m doing with my life… I spend half my day thinking “should I REALLY buy this barre studio? Or should I move? To North Carolina? Tennessee? London? Paris?” Constant monologue in my head.
Sarah Katherine Wyland recently posted…At Home 30-Minute Circuit Workout (No Equipment Needed!)
I hear you girl. Lately I feel like the life I’m living isn’t exactly the life I am “supposed” to be living. Its like there are parallel tracks and I am on one and my supposed to be life is the other and I can’t quite get to where I want to be. Its endlessly frustrating and confusing.
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Long time reader and I feel so compelled to comment today. This post is SO relatable and you are not the only one with these feelings. As I read your post, I kept nodding my head in agreement and understanding. I could probably write a novel in response 🙂
For me, I think the key is letting go of your expectations and trying to enjoy the ride. You never know where life will lead you! Not falling in the comparison trap is SO SO key. The grass is not always greener. Everyone deals with something.
You are not alone. Hang in there!!
I love your honesty Heather! Though my current struggle doesn’t mirror yours right now, I can relate so much to thinking about how things were supposed to be at this point in my life. I have spent many lonely weekends fighting back tears and feeling hopeless at the situation at hand and not knowing how to move forward. It’s tough. And it is ok to ugly cry sometimes! This was a great post and I will always be a Life in Leggings fan, no matter how often or little you post 🙂
I love that you said all of this and totally relate. My life is a lot different than yours, but I can completely relate to how you are feeling. It’s hard not to compare yourself to where others are, and I think it’s important to talk about how you’re feeling. Thanks for putting yourself out there!
I love your strength and honesty. Life is not easy, no matter what your current life situation looks like. I think we all need that reminder especially as we are bombarded with pictures and snips of other peoples “perfect” lives. <3
This was a beautiful and honest post! I’m proud of you for putting it out there and you should be proud of yourself. I never stopped checking in all through your dry spell and I will continue to read!! Take care and stay positive 🙂
Heather, I can relate so much to this.
I never thought I’d be (nearly) 34 and single after getting married at 22. I’m busy and fulfilled and have two awesome cats, but darn it if I wouldn’t love to have my “person” with me to share it.
I truly hope life gives us both something amazing so we can take a step back and go, “Ohhhhh, it was supposed to happen this way”.
xo
Ange // Cowgirl Runs recently posted…Thoughts on Dating After Divorce
I have only read your blog a few times in the past, but I am really glad that I randomly clicked on today’s post. I am a few years younger and at a different stage of life (dating, loneliness, self love) but I totally relate to the concept of thinking about where we thought life would take us and where we actually are. I think about that ALL THE TIME. I am not a very patient person, but I do usually find comfort in the things that have turned out great so far in my life and thinking back to when I thought those things were impossible or not even on my radar. Thank you for sharing!
I just wanted to say I think this post is really brave. Something that really bothers me is when people criticize others (and I think this happens a lot to lifestyle bloggers) for expressing normal emotions like sadness or anger or frustration when “someone else has it worse.” We can’t predict the course of our lives, and it’s okay to feel frustrated or wish certain things in our lives were different.
I agree with Kimberly 100%. Thank you Heather for putting yourself out there. I can relate to what you’re feeling with my own version of life. I just try to put my trust in God that he will put me where he feels I’m supposed to be in life. I wish nothing but great things for you and Scott in the future!
I totally relate – living somewhere I would have never guessed in my “where do I see myself”, working at something that doesn’t interest me much anymore, and with 0 of the kids I pictured having. Don’t apologize for questioning where you are or how you got there. Try to find some solace in the fact that you found the love of your life and you are healthy and otherwise happy. Life rarely works out the way we imagine it would. I enjoy reading your blog, but don’t pressure yourself to do more than you can. And being “real” is what makes your blog a pleasure to read. I hope you can find contentment and peace in your life even if it doesn’t work out the way you dreamt.
Thank you for sharing all of this. I know it probably wasn’t easy and I’m so sorry you are going through so much.
Gosh I rarely have time to read blogs these days but I always come back to yours because you are so honest and real! I’ve been in your shoes and I know it takes a toll and is hard. It took us 2 years to get pregnant initially. It’s so tough seeing friends get pregnant right away and everything seems to happen so perfectly. Just know it’s okay to get mad/sad/frustrated/jealous! there are a lot of people that understand you
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This post was truly incredible. This week is national infertility awareness week, and your post did something so special, made people like me, feel less alone in their struggle with infertility. I, too, find myself comparing my situation to others and think about how easy it seems to come to others. I had a friend share a mantra with me that I hope can help you as much as it helped me–“that’s just not my story”
Thanks for sharing xoxo
I didn’t even realize it was national infertility week! You’re certainly not along in your struggle. I love that mantra, thank you for sharing!
<3
Hey Girl – I’ve said it once and I’ll say it always – you are such an inspiration! We all get caught up in, “where we should be” and compare. Anyone who says they don’t is lying. so thanks for keepin’ it real. Hang in there. ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Tayna – hugs to you!! xo
I love this post Heather. When I graduated from college and took a job in DC doing something I felt totally unqualified for (…because I was 🙂 ) I said the same thing to my friends a lot- is this what you imagined yourself doing? In some ways yes and in some ways no is always my answer. It’s really tough feeling like your world view is askew but I think it’s such a common theme for women in our generation and you’re right to identify it and try to figure out what you can do to still find joy in spite of it.
I can definitely relate to that! Trying to find the joy. Love that!
Girl, this was an amazing post. I am a long time reader and I have to say, this one got me in the feels. It saddens me that you’re going through this struggle right now, but never lose hope. I always take away from your blog that you count your blessings and not burdens, and that’s SO important. Sending baby dust your way!
Thank you so much for sticking around and reading through the years. I really appreciate you and the *baby dust* 🙂
I can totally relate, Heather! I am just a couple months younger than you, and I’m not even married yet! I thought I would be – that was what life was “supposed” to look like in my mind by the time I was this age. There’s not even a prospective spouse on the horizon, and at times, I’ve really struggled with understanding why it hasn’t happened yet. I even went through a fairly dark period where I was mad at God. I stopped reading my Bible or praying. But God is faithful, and He did not give up on me. He has since taught me that I held my dreams and ideas for what life was “supposed” to look like in a clenched fist, demanding that He give me what I want. When the truth is, I don’t even deserve the mercy and grace He has so graciously given me. Shifting my perspective from me to Him has made all the difference in the world. It can still be a bitter pill to swallow, as you said, and I, too, sometimes find myself distancing myself from friends or people on social media who have the life I want. But, as trite as it sounds, God does have a plan, and He is worthy of our trust. We just have to keep telling ourselves that! Maybe even when we don’t want to hear it.
Thanks for sharing, Heather. I pray God draws you closer to Him through this confusing season of life, whatever may come.
Hi Janelle! Thanks for reading and sharing. Ehhh that “supposed to” life is so overrated. I can relate to you on your struggle and have found myself mad at God’s plan for us, too. It’s not a great place to be, but is very common I’m sure. You’re completely right though – His plan is greater than any of ours, even when we don’t understand it. Hold on to that! <3
Today would have been my dog’s 12th birthday. Instead of celebrating or being sad, I am grateful that he is no longer in pain or suffering. I am grateful for the 11 years that he blessed our lives with. That is how I am feeling today.
Aw, I’m sorry to hear about your loss Kirsten. It’s so hard to lose pets, as they truly become part of the family. Hold on to the good times that make you smile! <3
Although I haven’t blogged about it, because I’m such a private person – I have been struggling with fertility for 2 years, and now about to start my 4th IVF cycle (it hasn’t gotten to the final point of an embryo transfer “yet”).
Apparently this week is national infertility awareness week, and I’m having a hard difficult time reading about it all. I can relate to everything you mentioned here in the post today. I’ve avoided friendships, and pushed people away because of their “supposed to” as well. Man, it’s rough going. Thanks for being so open about it, I wish I was too.
I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. My heart goes out to you! We haven’t gone down the IVF road yet, mainly because my issue isn’t necessarily getting pregnant (even though it’s taken a year each time), it’s keeping a pregnancy. Documenting our journey has been very therapeutic for me, but that doesn’t mean that you have to do the same. Everybody grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way. (And yes, going through infertility is considered to be grieving in my book.) Take all the time you need and write about it IF it makes sense for you. So many hugs to you! xo
thank you.
thank you and thank you.
that was so courageous of you to share and it’s why I keep coming back to the blog.
I am struggling and coming across this post today was wonderful.
thank you
I’m sorry for your stuggles Juliana. While writing about ours is helpful for me, I’m at least glad that it provides some kind of comfort to you, too. Thank you for your support and readership. <3
I really needed to read this today.While our struggles aren’t the same, the feelings associated with them are identical. Sometimes it’s nice to know that you’re not alone even when things don’t look like what you envisioned. So thank you for sharing!!
Thank you for reading JC! And you’re totally right. Struggles are struggles. It’s refreshing for me to hear that I’m not the only one at times — praying you find comfort in whatever you’re looking for!
Virtual hugs, thank you for sharing this. It is really hard not reflect on how things are “supposed to be” when you are in the midst of struggles, or just when life takes a path you did not expect. While I wish you were not experiencing the struggles you are, I appreciate you sharing your insights and experiences along the way.
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Oh that “supposed to” image. I definitely thought I would have kids already by now. I just turned 27. I’ve been with my fiance for 7.5 years. We got engaged a year ago, but we have yet to set a wedding date. This is partially because prices of weddings scared me off and then we decided to quit our jobs and travel for a few months which was totally worth it and cost less than the average wedding these days…
I definitely didn’t imagine that I would move every year for the last 3 years or even move to different states and again be looking for a job. However, I have realized how much stronger and confident I have become because of those challenges I faced.
It means so much that you were willing to open yourself up and share your feelings. Sending good thoughts your way for this hard time.
Life doesn’t always turn out the way you planned it to be when young and care free. I like many imagined a fulfilled life with a husband and kids, that white picket fence… and pure joy by 30. I got the husband at 26, but the first child didn’t happen till I was 33… The white picket fence not until I was 34, and the second kid will happen right before I turn 36. I had two miscarriages before my first child and never imagined my life to turn out this great but later than I would have ever thought. At the time not being in my early 30’s having babies made me feel so let down… frustrated… defeated… but here I am half way to 36 living the best life I ever ever could have imagined. I have everything I ever wanted and it was worth the heartache and the years of waiting. I have never looked back and you won’t either. Your happy ending will come in one way or another. They always do when you least expect it.
My daughter has infertility issues and I never really knew the pain and suffering that goes with it. After many failed attempts she does have a miracle baby who will be 2 on Halloween. She just did an egg retrieval 2 weeks ago, they got 17 eggs and fertilized them. It dwindled to 6 and this week got word no embryos. It breaks my heart when she goes through this. Ironically she is 28 has “old eggs”. Her husband is 19 years older than her and I hope and pray another miracle will happen. She’s now trying to decide if she is going to do one more cycle or put one of the 2 frozen embryos they have (which is another miracle in itself that she has that option). I pray for you and Scott that your miracle will come.