Just over two weeks ago, our lives changed. My husband and I lost a baby and I have (hesitantly) decided to share our story with all of you and the world.
The last thing I want from this post is attention and sympathy.
I truly appreciate every single comment and message we have received regarding our journey, and I love you guys for those. Your support means more than you know. Please know, however, that I am sharing these types of posts solely to help others who are in our shoes or who might be in our shoes one day. You are so strong. <3
I had my two-week post-opp appointment at the doctor’s yesterday.
It was weird walking back into the environment that has caused me so much joy, yet so much pain. I didn’t think that seeing a pregnant woman or happy couple waiting for their appointments in the office would bother me, and it didn’t.
What I didn’t expect, however, was to overhear a couple getting congratulated by my doctor in the room next to me while going over all of the same prenatal questions I had just a few months ago. It felt like a sucker punch to the stomach that I just wasn’t prepared for.
I tried not to listen, but I couldn’t help it. It’s like driving past a car accident and not looking to see how bad it was. You always look, right?
Something else that I wasn’t prepared for was meeting my friend’s sweet 8-week-old baby boy the day before. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t take up the offer to hold him and felt like I had to get out of the room as quickly as I could before I had a breakdown in front of my friends.
So I did.
Coping with a miscarriage is hard.
There are good days and there are bad days when you don’t know what else to do but curl up into a ball and cry. And then you cry some more. But, I’ve learned that doing that is okay.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and you have to just do what feels natural to make yourself feel better and surround yourself with supportive friends and family.
I feel so, so blessed that we have received what seems like an endless amount of love and support from people we are close to, others we haven’t talked to in years, and even complete strangers. The reason I choose to share stories this personal on my blog is to reach out to those going through the same experience in hopes that they realize they aren’t alone, as miscarriage can feel extremely isolating.
Unfortunately, miscarriage is very common and happens a lot more often than we realize. I’m only now learning this because miscarriage is still considered to be taboo to talk about. But, in my opinion, it shouldn’t be.
The only reason I am on my way back towards the road to “normal” is because of all of the stories I have read from readers and friends. I’ve received hundreds of comments, emails, and bits of personal advice from those who know the exact pain we are experiencing, and every single one of them ended with a reason to hold onto hope. Most went on to have healthy, happy babies and quickly.
There are other things that I have learned over the last two weeks, and I can only hope that sharing them here will help some of you reading this.
After you deliver a baby or go through a miscarriage, you should be tested for Rh in your blood. You are either Rh-positive (85% of the population) or Rh-negative, and if you are Rh-negative, you will most likely need a RhoGAM shot to stabilize incompatibility and help the outcome of future pregnancies. (Read more about why here and here.) As it turns out, I am Rh-negative.
It is possible that you could have had a previous miscarriage already and not even known about it. Any abnormal periods? I can recall being a week late followed by two weeks of spotting several months ago. Soon after, I went in to see my doctor and chose to take blood tests as well as get ultrasounds to track my ovulation and see what was going on. Everything came back normal, but there was part of me that thought there was more to it. I could just tell that there was something off with my body and cycle. If that was the case, and now knowing that I am Rh-negative, that could explain why the pregnancy didn’t carry to term.
Once you hear the heartbeat of your baby, you have less than a 4% chance of miscarrying. That number drops to 2% at nine weeks. The odds are crazy, but they’re there. And they happen more often than people know.
It can be a struggle to work off the pregnancy weight, even if you only have a small amount to lose (I gained five pounds). Between being on bed rest before the miscarriage, healing from the procedure, and not wanting to do too much too fast afterwards, it’s hard not to gain more weight at first (I’m now up to six+ pounds pre-pregnancy). And of course, this makes it even harder to get over. But, eventually, you will start feeling more like you and get back to a fitness routine that feels right for you. Go easy on yourself.
And on a more positive note…
You don’t have to wait a crazy amount of time to start trying again. In fact, most doctors recommend that you wait until after your first normal period (which usually happens 4-6 weeks after a miscarriage or D&C) and then go for it… if (and only if) you’re emotionally ready.
You’re also extremely fertile for a while. (Yeah!) Two of the nurses who were kind enough to share their stories with me at the hospital told me that they had the same procedure and then found out they were pregnant (and went onto deliver healthy babies) one and two months later.
You’re going to get a lot of people who reach out to you if you let them in, and you’re also going to get a lot of people who don’t know what to say and pretend that it didn’t happen. Try not to take it personally if some see you for the first time since sharing the news and say “hey, how’s it going?” with an enthusiastic voice. Not everyone knows how to react or talk about a miscarriage, and everyone handles it differently.
And lastly, it’s okay to share your journey. Not everyone will agree with that, but taking a look back to the day I shared ours proves that talking about it really, really helps. If not for me (which – oh my goodness – it helped), for others. Going on about my life without mentioning what we went through didn’t seem genuine. But, that’s me, and it’s okay if you prefer to stay private.
We are about two and a half weeks out from the day that changed our lives, and it’s a slow healing process. Like I mentioned above, some days are better than others, and there have been triggers that have set me off that I didn’t expect.
But, that’s how it’s going to be for a some time, and that’s okay. It’s part of mourning and moving on.
They took another blood test at my doctor’s appointment today. The reason was that I have a slight “M antibody”. She wanted to see if the level got higher, and if so, we will know to take extra precautions in the future.
Everything having to do with pregnancy, trying to conceive, miscarriage, and moving forward can be exhausting and overwhelming. To be honest, that’s where we’re at. But, we know it will get better and we are just taking life as it comes one day at a time.
In the mean time, I am doing my best to keep things normal on the blog front. There will be days where I don’t feel like logging on to post anything, and that’s just how it’s going to be for a while. I hope you understand and know that things will eventually get back to normal.
Thank you again for all of your love, prayers, and support.
We appreciate you!