I have to admit that as someone who thought their time to dive into motherhood would have come years ago, pregnancy and baby photos are not always an easy thing to see. I am going to be completely honest and say that six months ago, it was hard for me to even click on them.
I have noticed an abundance of pregnancy and Welcome To The World announcements all over the Interwebs this year. Either there is a serious baby boom going on within my circles (high school class, blogging buddies, and casual acquaintances I follow on social media channels), or my eyes are just drawn to them more now.
Envy is a normal emotion and struggle for many. The same certainly goes for pregnancy envy, and I’m not going to deny having it myself. We’re human. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and seeing someone experience life how I so badly want to is one of my absolute weaknesses. It’s something I think about and pray to remove from my thoughts every day.
There are points in time where I start to wonder and obsess over how women get pregnant “without even trying”. Scientifically (and against popular belief until you actually attempt to conceive a child), the window to successfully get pregnant is so incredibly small. There are only a few days in a woman’s cycle that even make it possible, and even on their most fertile days of peak ovulation, the chance in conceiving a child is only up to 30-something percent.
How do some people become “accidentally pregnant” when others trying to conceive can’t get pregnant for years and years? How is your co-worker, friend, or family member, who you believe doesn’t truly want the responsibility of raising a child, able to effortlessly carry a child and bring them into the world, but you, who you believe would be an amazing mother and wants nothing more but to nurture a child, can’t conceive? It just doesn’t make sense.
I know, and I feel you. I really do.
Reality is, pregnancy doesn’t have much to do with how hard you try, how bad you want it, or if you would make a great parent or not. It happens when it’s supposed to, and that’s that.
After scrolling through what seems to be a constant cycle of pregnancy and birth announcements, you’ll eventually want to quit social media all together. You don’t know what’s worse… seeing other growing families, or reading about mommies-to-be complaining about morning sickness or feeling like a whale.
How can they so openly complain about things you would give anything to experience for yourself?
I know, and I feel you there, too.
I can say that I am in a much better place than I was earlier this year. Six months ago, I would immediately scroll past a baby picture and ignore any type of blog post or article about pregnancy or becoming a new mom. My pregnancy envy was at an all time high, and it wasn’t healthy for me to sit there and stew over the fact that our journey into becoming parents is something that is completely out of our control.
Today, I want to see the baby photos, and I want to hear the stories. It’s taken a while to get there, but I am genuinely happy for every baby announcement and back to school photo I see. Wanting to become a mother myself, it warms my heart (and in some weird way, prepares it) for what could happen down the road in our lives, too.
***
So, what I want to really say to my dear friends trying to conceive is this:
Pregnancy envy is real, and you’re normal for experiencing it. I think we all do at some point, but there is a time to put all of those negative and jealous feelings behind you.
Eventually, you will start to believe the “it will happen when it’s supposed to” advice from loved ones. Because it will. Right now, your job is to embrace the experience and season that you are in and focus on what is making you happy. Not next month, not next year, but today.
While it can get annoying and feel heartless, your friends complaining about changing diapers and waking up a million times a night aren’t sharing those facts to hurt your feelings. They are going through a new and what could be frustrating time in their lives too, and part of their process in growing towards the next step (and possibly easier phase, whatever that is) is sharing what this one is like while they are going through it. Just because they complain doesn’t mean they aren’t grateful for what they have.
If you can’t handle seeing pregnancy-related status updates, hide those friends or family members from your newsfeeds. You’ll still be able to see what’s going on with them if you click on their profiles, but their daily pregnancy updates won’t overwhelm your homepage and kick your morning off on the wrong note.
If someone in your life constantly talks about their pregnancy, ask them to tone it down for a while. The two of you had a relationship before they got pregnant (and in a lot of cases had kids), so let them in on why it’s bothering you and find something else to talk about. Tell them you are happy for them and wish nothing but blessings towards their journey into motherhood, but that it’s just too painful for you to talk about right now. True friends will understand.
You’re not alone. I have only personally been affected by this roller coaster of trying to get pregnant for ten months now, and can’t even imagine what those going through this for more than a few years must feel. It’s exciting, it’s terrifying, it’s emotional, it’s frustrating, and most of all, it can start to feel anything but fun and more like a dead-end job.
Keep your heads up, friends. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Just imagine how strong and ready you will be when you do become a mother. You will appreciate those temper tantrums, accidents, and days (turned to weeks turned to months) without sleep so much more!
The biggest piece of advice I have received from loved ones about trying to conceive is to stop obsessing over it. If tracking your cycles and doing every single little thing you can to help things move along is stressing you out, stop.
That’s where we’re at, and I have to say… it’s been pretty nice to just roll with the punches and see where it takes us.
You never know where the next month and pregnancy test will take you, so stay positive! And just maybe your test will, too. <3
![[in our elementary school era] 🚌😭
Skyler did great walking into KINDERGARTEN with a big smile on his face this morning. I, however, was a bit of a mess on our walk home. 🥹
It’s wild how fast these 5 years with him have gone … 7 since we moved to NYC and into our apartment, dreaming of the day our kids would someday go to the *awesome* school right down our block. 🏫
That day is today, and I still don’t believe it — feeling allll of the emotions and thanking God for placing us here and for being able to trust His timing through the journey. 🫶🏼 #hbshinnyc
SO proud of you, SK - you are going to rock your first year at your “big boy school” - WE LOVE YOU !! 🩵👑](https://lifeinleggings.com/wp-content/plugins/instagram-feed/img/placeholder.png)
I have never commented, but this post has compelled me to just say a big THANK YOU! We have been trying to conceive for 10 months as well and had two miscarriages which has only amped up my pregnancy envy. I have struggled with viewing the reminders on social media and my complaining mom and mom to be friends . Thank you for addressing a topic that touches so many, but is never discussed – again thank you!
Hi Anna, thank you so much for reading and commenting! I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages. That has to be so rough. But, at least you know you can get pregnant. <3 Best of luck to you and your own journey, and so many hugs to you!
Perfectly written and all so true! Getting pregnant took us awhile and I had to hide some people from my newsfeed and stay off Facebook for a little while. It’s hard to stay positive but it sounds like u have a great attitude about the whole thing!
Thanks Marielle, and look at you. See? It all works out when it’s time. 😉
A very brave and honest post, Heather.
As an RD who focuses on women’s health the struggle for those focusing on conceiving is definitely a difficult one. You can do everything “right” and still not get your desired results. The deep emotional layer that underlies is raw and should be private but it is often so very public (even if you don’t talk/blog/share).
I’m certain that your words and this blog post will go on to help so many others talk about their pain to friends, family and others, shift their perspective so they don’t feel assaulted by the outside world or even just realize that all of the emotions are OK to feel.
Thank you for putting your heart out on the table and sharing such wise words.
Melissa Burton recently posted…If You Haven’t Posted In Awhile, Are You Still A Blogger?
Hi Melissa, thank you for reading. <3 Writing about our journey has already been very therapeutic for me. And hey, if it can relate to someone experiencing something similar, that's just more reasons for me to keep going. I appreciate the support!
Thank you thank you for this post!! My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a year and a half now and dealing with doctors and homeopathic doctors and acupuncture and ovulation tests and omg it is just so hard to be struggling and sad about something day in and day out and see your friends getting exactly what you’re desperate for so easily. And trying to be sympathetic to the no sleep complaints is a killer when you’d give anything to be in the same position. So I completely get it and agree we must try to embrace the NOW in life! 🙂
It is SO overwhelming. We haven’t even gotten into the thick of it, and I already want to take a break for a while. The good news is, it will happen when it’s the right time. That’s how God designed it, and He knows our plan. I will be thinking and praying for you too!
Loving your raw posts on this topic, Heather. I’m sure you get this too: everyone asking you when you’re going to have a baby, are you pregnant if you don’t have a drink, etc. If you’re trying and it’s not working, the added stress of having the people close to you constantly watching your uterus is almost too much. Thanks for being willing to blog about such a sensitive topic. And big hugs to you–I hope you and Scott get what you’re hoping for most soon. xo
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Thank you Beth. I really appreciate the support! I absolutely agree, the questions and probing can be totally overwhelming. Even though it isn’t their intentions, it does feel like you are being watched and pressured by family, which only adds more stress and pressure. Thank you for your sweet comment!
Can’t thank you enough for this post!!!! Im reading it right before I am scheduled to head upstairs and give myself an injection (as part of my fertility treatment). We’re only 6 months in and its been such a lonely road. This article made me feel a little less alone! 🙂 xo
Aw, thank you for reading Ashlynn. I bet those injections aren’t fun. Best of luck to you and in this journey, you are anything but alone! <3
Great advice! You’re going to be an amazing mom someday! <3
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Thank you so much Erin. <3
Your post was so well written. Thank you for your honesty! I couldn’t go to baby showers or look at Facebook because I was too sad. It was such a lonely feeling. He is faithful and He is good even when we can’t see the outcome. I knew this all along and it gave me great comfort. Blessings & prayers to you!
Thank you so much, Mel. I feel your pain, but you have to realize you’re not alone whatsoever. Thank you for commenting and for your prayers!
Heather…you are amazing! I love you and Scott so much! I know it’s been a bumpy road for you two. I hope and pray that I have not added to your anxiety by being an anxious “Grammy” !! I know it is not our time but God’s timing. I am praying for you both daily, and want whatever you guys want!!!!! Keep helping other’s…..Mom-in-law
<3 <3 <3. You've been excited, but have never added anxiety to Scott or I. Thank you so much for the prayers! We love you!
Wonderful post Heather! I can definitely relate to those emotions. It’s hard seeing so many people getting exactly what you are dying to have. Not obsessing over it can be so hard but you’re right, it definitely helps. We are taking some time off from infertility treatments and focusing on getting pregnant and I feel better than I’ve felt in a long time. I needed some me time and for now, I’m enjoying it. While we aren’t over trying, I know I just needed a little break to get back to being happy as myself. I’m thinking about you and praying for good news soon!
Hi sweet Giselle! I actually thought of you while writing this post. You have been so open about your infertility struggles and, in a way, inspired me to share more of what we are going through. So thank you for being so open and honest, both on your blog and in person! I could tell the treatments were stressing you out, so it’s nice to hear you are going to attempt the no-stress tactic as well. Who knows what can happen! Sending so many prayers, thoughts, and baby vibes your way love! xo
I think it’s fantastic that you have written this Heather – first off it will help so many and secondly I am just so pleased that you feel this way now and hopefully the absence of stress will lead to sucess.
I turned 30 this year too and although my husband and I don’t see children in our near future I have noticed that everyone around me, especially online, seem to be getting pregnant! So your not alone in noticing that! 🙂
Jen @ Chase the Red Grape recently posted…Do what feeds your soul!
Thank you Jen. Here’s hoping the no-stress tactic is what sticks. 😉 And it’s good to hear I’m not the only one noticing the boom. Thanks for reading and commenting!
I love this post. My husband and I aren’t officially trying yet, but only because we’re not in a good position to do so. I totally have the baby envy already though because I so want to be there. And I know it’s not rational, but there are those days where it just hits you so hard. It’s a good reminder to know there are others feeling the same way 🙂 Thanks for the honest post!
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It’s hard to talk about the not-so perfect things we experience in life, but I think it’s so important to include them in blogging. It’s been nice to finally let it out. I appreciate you reading and wish you all the best when your time comes!
While TTC can be extremely difficult, I’m glad that you opened up to your readers about your struggles. Blogging about our miscarriage two years ago and the road to pregnancy again was very therapeutic for me as well, and though my blog is very small, it felt great when other women would find me and connect with me about their issues as well. I noticed several HLBloggers got pregnant within a few months of each other, and that really ignited my pregnancy jealousy as sad as it sounds, especially because my husband suddenly deployed. I limit my social media interaction and hid those on Facebook that would really trigger me…and it’s definitely helped!
Have you ever read the book called Hannah’s Hope? Honestly….although I grew up in a Catholic household, my husband and I are not religious. This can be very conflicting as “It’s all in God’s time” when it comes to pregnancy. However, I recently searched the internet to find something that may help bring me more peace during this time (my hubby leaves again for a month, then we plan on moving forward with IVF). I decided to take the plunge and purchased the book on Amazon…and so far, it’s awesome. It’s made me think about things from a different perspective and has been very calming to read. I’ve read just about every fertility book out there, but this one is different (not scientific, haha), so though I’d pass that along!
Kim recently posted…June 2015 Fertility & TTC Update
Aw, thank you for sharing Kim. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles, but it sounds like you came out with a great spirit and attitude. And I love that you shared your journey through blogging, too. <3 I've never heard of that book, but I'll have to check it out. Thank you for the suggestion! Best of luck to you, sweet friend. xo
What a wonderfully written post, and so relatable too. It’s not something that’s openly talked about very frequently. so I know this post will mean a lot to so many people out there. Here’s to embracing the now and keeping hope for the future<3
Erin @ The Almond Eater recently posted…Salmon Cabbage Salad
Thank you Erin! It’s not an easy thing to write about, but it just needs to be said. Thank you so much for reading and for your support <3
Thank you, Heather, for sharing this and your journey TTC. We’ve been trying for 10 months (1 MC included) as well and have tried several strategies. This time around I’m going the stree-free route and couldn’t be more excited about that! Over half the bloggers I keep up with are pregnant or expecting as well of other people I know! So it’s not just you. Thinking of you and hope, for the sake of our sanity, that good things happen for both of us this year! PS. I’ve learned to stay away from the pregnancy forums. They are way too consuming!
Aw, I’m sorry to hear about your loss Katie, but you sound like you are in wonderful spirits! I have to say, going the stress-free route is pretty refreshing. And your absolutely right, those forums are exhausting! It’s probably best to stay clear for now and enjoy the journey while you’re on it. 😉
Thanks for sharing, Heather! Your honesty is refreshing.
It’s not just you – my feed is full of pregnancy announcements, too. I reached a point where I didn’t get on Facebook for awhile – it was so easy to constantly compare my life to others’ and to focus on what I didn’t have (as opposed to what I do). I was starting to get bitter, and it was hard for me to be happy for them. Envy and self-pity are not pretty! It’s getting better, but it’s still a struggle.
We are all in different seasons of life for a reason, right? At least, that’s what I tell myself. 😉
All right, I’m glad I’m not the only one who has noticed the boom lately. 😉 If taking yourself off of feeds makes you feel better, do it! And you’re absolutely right, we all go through different seasons and struggles. Rarely are they ever documented online. Keep your chin up, Janelle! Everything will fall into place when the time is right! (Cliche, I know… but true.) 😉
Very well said, heather. It took us over two years to get pregnant with our son. We now have two beautiful children. The journey can be rocky. Keep this positive attitude and believe that good things will come 🙂
Thank you so much, Leah. And congrats on your beautiful little boy! I’m sure that was hard for you to go through, but you have him now! <3
I can only imagine how hard this struggle would be. This is why when people constantly ask people about having kids or nag them I get so mad. I’ve never been in the position to struggle getting pregnant (at least yet) but I think you never know someone else’s situation and they could be trying and you rubbing it in isn’t helping!
Yeah… they don’t mean any harm, but it can be painful to answer that question at times. Since I’ve experienced the ups and downs of TTC, I’ve been a lot more conscious about asking friends about their own journeys. I feel like they will tell me if there’s anything to tell. 😉
Hi Heather, I’ve been reading your blog for a long time even though I don’t comment often. The struggle on when and how we become parents is often a roller coaster; I know it was for me. I often dreamed of having 2 kids and being done with the pregnancy part by the time I was 27-28. Friends were having families, even my brother had three of his own. You know what they say though, it’s God timing, not your timing. It took me a long time to fully realize that and that He did have a bigger plan for me. Now at 34, I am pregnant with my first child, after quite a while trying to conceive. I truly feel this is THE time that I am supposed to be starting my family. God, of course, knew the perfect timing. I completely agree with you on trying to not stress about the conception process. I tracked my cycles using an app, but never stressed about “gotta have sex today, I’m ovulating.” Actually, the month my husband and I conceived, we only had sex twice during the entire month (not the usual 😉 ). Have faith, God has your timing all set for you and Scott!! xoxo
Hi Emily! Thank you so much for sharing your story. Congrats on your pregnancy! That is so wonderful to hear. <3 And hey, it looks like the no-stress theory worked pretty well for you. You really just never know! xo
This was such a well written, personal post on a very difficult subject for so many. Thank you so much for this!
Kisses,
Sarah
EverydayStarlet
Sarah Blodgett recently posted…Back to School for Grown Ups
Thank you for reading Sarah. I hope to continue sharing our journey as it unfolds. <3
Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you. This was so beautifully written and so comforting to read as I am in the TTC boat currently, too.
Many hugs going out to you Jessica. <3
This was beautifully written, Heather. My heart just ached when I read it because those feelings are so fresh for me. It took us 3 1/2 years to have a family and I spent a lot of that time really, really angry. I was angry at my friends who got pregnant so easily. I was angry at strangers who took up huge tables at restaurants with their 7 kids. I was angry at Snooki! I don’t know if I ever stopped being angry but I just started having faith we would eventually get our family and it may not be the path I thought we would follow. But it would be the right one for us. 1 miscarriage, 2 rounds of IVF and a lot of faith. That was our path. Good luck to you…I know it’s so hard. But try to keep the faith! xo
As silly as it sounds, I totally get it! I think a lot more people experience these feelings than we think. Thank you for sharing. And congrats on your family! <3
This is an amazing post – so honest and heartfelt. I am truly sorry for your struggle and I pray that you are blessed with little miracle soon, and that your timing is right.
As a friend to someone who is struggling through infertility (for almost four years now!), it has been so hard for both of us and testing for our friendship – heartbreaking for her to watch me be pregnant and give birth twice and so hard for me to be compassionate and understanding but also enjoy my own joy too.
Thank you for this x
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That sounds really tough for both parties. It would be hard to be one hundred perfect overjoyed when you friend can’t experience what you both want so badly right with you! All you can do is offer her your love. You guys will get through it <3
You’re amazing. I absolutely feel you on the baby/pregnancy envy right now. The other day, I had three different people “announce” their pregnancies to me, and all I wanted to do was cry. Then on top of that, I had two different co-workers tell me “oh, it must be time for #2 soon, right?!” Of course they didn’t know what happened last month, but it still hurt. I feel you, girl, so hang in there. <3<3<3
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It really is hard, but we just have to remember that people don’t ask because they want to hurt you. I think that’s why I finally opened up about it… people haven’t stopped asking us since we got married 4 years ago! Welp, here it is. 😉 I thought of you while writing this post. You’re so strong and I’m glad you shared your story, too. Thinking about you and praying for you! xo
Thank you for this beautiful p
Julia recently posted…Pregnancy Update Week 17
AHHH I tried posting twice before but somehow my phone or internet or something went nuts! Thank you so much for posting this beautiful post. I was lucky in that I got pregnant quickly. However, I had marriage and pregnancy envy for years before I got married and got pregnant. I was single for a long time, after dating the wrong guys in college and my early-mid twenties. It was hard to see all of my friends and acquaintances getting married and having babies, while I was still single. I felt like I would never had that life. However, at 30, I started dating my now-husband, and “caught up” with everyone else. I’ll be having my first baby at 33. I try to be sensitive to my friends who are struggling to conceive and not talk about it a lot to them, because I know it is hard. One thought I kept with me during my single days was that everything happens for a reason, and I knew God had a plan for me, even if it wasn’t what I wanted at that time. I know you will get pregnant and have a healthy baby! I pray that it happens soon for you! <3
This post hits so close to home and contains so many of the words and emotions that I’ve struggled with over the past 5 years. God has a plan but that certainly doesn’t mean that we can’t have moments of frustration, anger, envy, and confusion. My husband and I were very private about our struggles and carried a heavy emotional burden for so many years. It is especially frustrating when those struggles are unexplained. When we finally began to share our story it was comforting to hear that fertility struggles are certainly not uncommon and there is a lot of support and LOVE our there.
I live in your area (Lake Orion) and would be happy to recommend our AMAZING fertility specialist if you are interested. She takes a holistic approach and is very hands on. Hang in there!
Love this post! While Brian and I aren’t trying to have babies for a few more years, I can’t even imagine how it must feel to be in your shoes right now. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way 🙂
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This post helped me so much as I am currently going through the same thing! So happy to hear that your story worked out well in the end. Is there anything you did differently to finally conceive?
Hi Polly, my prayers are with you! We just kept trying and pushing through. After our first loss … I did, however, learn that I am RH Negative, which requires a prescription to rebalance everything. I hope you never have to experience that, but it’s something I learned might be important and could have an affect on future pregnancies. Best of luck to you my friend! xo