I really don’t know how to start this post.
There’s so much I want to write that I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s try the beginning…
Without having to re-write everything, I’m going against my original plan and publishing this post today. It’s something I didn’t want to do until the “perfect/happy” (i.e. right) time came along, but for some reason right seems like it should be right now, so I’m rolling with it.
Scott and I got married four years ago with the intentions of settling down, purchasing a home, and starting a family in Central Florida sooner than later. Then life happened and God showed us that our plans aren’t necessarily His plans. Scott unexpectedly lost his job, we went through a year of unemployment and extremely trying times, we moved up to the Metro Detroit area, and every “plan” we had in place got shoved to the side until just about ten months ago.
Ten months ago (after many years of waiting for the right time, whenever that is) we started trying to conceive in hopes of growing our family.
I began tracking my cycles, slowing down my workouts, eating anything I thought would help cushion the process, gaining weight (up to ten pounds!), cutting back on caffeine, limiting alcohol intake, taking prenatal vitamins, taking ovulation prediction tests, probing my friends for advice, the works. We didn’t tell anyone until just a couple of months ago, and to be honest, it’s pretty crazy to me that I am putting this out there for anyone and everyone to read now. But, I’m a blogger, and that’s what we do. I started putting my life and healthy living tips online to help and inspire others, and this situation is no different.
We’re all going through something at sometime or another, and I know I am far from the only one going through this right now.
I’ve been privately journaling the process of trying to conceive since January, and will eventually publish all of those posts when the time feels right again.
I haven’t been truly in love with living in Michigan. What can I say, I’m a Florida girl! I need sunshine and I don’t want to voluntarily experience winter six months out of the year. I don’t mean to offend people and friends who live here… there are pretty awesome things to see and do in The Mitten. I’ve openly expressed that on my Detroit & Michigan page!
Personally, I’m just not cut out for it in the long run. And by long run, I mean I’m literally not cut out to run in the cold for any long period of time. This is a problem because I love running.
Putting those mostly selfish and unreasonable needs aside, Scott and I had been searching for a home to buy in the Metro Detroit area. For the first time in a long time, we were confident about building our future in the area we are living now and were so, so excited. It was finally our time!
We met with realtors, mortgage lenders, and were really close to putting down an offer on a house just a couple of months ago. But, we didn’t. And it’s a good thing we didn’t, too. Exactly one month ago, Scott unexpectedly lost his job. Again.
The situation of what happened here and (almost to the day) four years prior is uncomfortably familiar. We couldn’t believe it, and we couldn’t make up the eerily similar details down to Scott rehabbing his shoulder (the opposite one he had surgery on for the same injury four years ago) if we tried.
Everything we worked hard to build up again (a home, community, life, and savings account) feels like it’s disappearing again, only this time he is left to look for work while living in Michigan and without the support of family or childhood friends right down the road. To be completely honest, it’s a terrifying place to be.
I can’t say much more about what is going on or why, but that’s where we are at. And, the hardest part of it all has been continuing to write this blog and share our lives on the Internet all the while pretending like none of it is happening.
As you can imagine, all of this has been a tough pill to swallow. Just a month ago, my biggest stress was when we were going to get pregnant and why it hasn’t happened yet. I can’t help but to envy baby photos and what seems to be constant and effortless conception stories, pregnancies, and journeys into motherhood in my news feeds every single day.
Without getting into much detail today (although I plan to share more about our journey while trying to conceive in the future), my cycles have been extremely normal since I got my first period at the age of 11. I haven’t experienced any kind of irregularities or causes for concern until three months ago. And, I know it doesn’t have anything to do what what I’m eating, doing, or not doing.
According to my doctor, I am exactly where I am supposed to be and on the right track to help nature do its thing. Scott has been tested for infertility, and there’s no problems there either.
I don’t restrict meals or obsess over exercise. In fact, it couldn’t be more opposite. Truth be told, I feel completely out of my element and have for quite some time now. I’m afraid to exercise the way I want to and think any little thing I do or lift (even training clients) could hurt my chances of getting pregnant or keeping what might have already happened inside of me.
I don’t have hypothalamic amenorrhea, but I do have insomnia. Over the past couple of months, I can’t get to sleep at any kind of reasonable hour and end up scrolling my iPhone for blogs or pregnancy threads to find answers to the questions I have for up to hours. I’ve gone from consistent, regular periods to one-day periods, to having three cycles of intense bleeding in one month, and I have been on what I can only describe as an emotional roller coaster ride with my cycle and life this summer.
I’ve experienced a lot of strange cramping, bleeding, and symptoms you don’t want to feel paired with it while turning to Dr. Google. I’m not exactly sure what my body has been through lately, but it’s definitely something, and I might not ever know what really happened.
So, at the moment, I’m doing my best to figure it out. I’ve had my blood drawn, multiple ultrasounds (both versions… ladies, you know what I’m talking about), and every question under the sun. As much as I wanted to wait and write about all of this only after there was life-changing good news to share, I don’t think I can. And I don’t think I want to.
I have a prescription for Clomid (hormones to help with ovulation), but I’m not filling it quite yet. If we are meant to get pregnant during the storm we are experiencing and uncertainties of our future, we will. It’s all in God’s hands and we are remaining faithful in knowing that what we are going through will all make sense when it’s supposed to.
No matter how hard you plan or whatever other people “seem” to experience…
Life isn’t perfect, jobs aren’t forever, home won’t always be home, and every day isn’t wonderful. But, you take it one day at a time, you figure it out as you go, you press on, and you learn from the unfortunate circumstances and hardships along the way.
Thank you for all of your thoughts, prayers, and comments you’ve sent my way over the last couple of (annoyingly vague) months. I’ll be sure to throw updates out from time to time as our plans for the future unfold. Until then, we’ll be back to regularly scheduled blog content!
This isn’t exactly how we planned on telling the world we were trying to start a family, but it’s out there. A little over nine months down, who knows how far we’ll have to go.
Just like anything else I’ve written on the blog, I plan to share the journey as we go, ask questions, and hopefully help answer some for readers down the road, too.
Thank you in advance for following along and for your unwavering support. <3